Whenever I picture myself in the future as a successful lawyer, I am always really thin.  Really thin wearing a really expensive suit, wearing the highest Christian Louboutin pumps, and most importantly I am really thin.  Nobody will ever believe me as a lawyer if I am fat.  Nobody will want to be like me if I'm not thin.  And no matter how much money I might make, I'm not going to have a perfect husband if I'm fat.  So why is it that I am still fat?  Everything that I want in my life requires me to be thin, and I am not.

Still in the same weight range as the last time I posted.

Actually, that's a lie I am up to 150.  And I feel like I'm 160.  I feel huge and gross and I've never felt so ugly.  Why does college ruin my lifeee??  All I want is to become a real person, and to be perfect.  That's all.

Still at about 146-148.  Never lost those last 5-10 pounds.  I don't know why I can't do it.  I've been trying to run or walk instead of doing elliptical and stupid exercises that just make me get bigger and I feel like I look better, but the scale won't budge and my clothes are still too small.

I've been trapped at this weight pretty much all summer I feel. I have 3 weeks and 4 days until I move back to school. I know it is stupid to even try to lose 6 lbs. by then based on the way my progress has barely been progressing all summer.  Based on the basic numbers of how many calories equal a pound, this should be easy to do.  However for whatever reason I know that doesn't work for me.  So I am going to try my best to just eat as healthfully as possible without stressing over each calorie.

So to do that, today will be the 4th day I have only been eating fruit and vegetables (and dark chocolate but ah I can't help it).  So I think I am going to eat vegan for the rest of the summer.  And trying to avoid gluten as well (breads, most foods made with grains).  I want to try to keep it as raw and natural as possible.  So far the only kind of processed thing I've eaten (besides dark chocolate ah) is a cashew cookie flavored LARA BAR.  Gotta love my mom for buying really interesting health food bars... it is gluten, dairy, soy, cholesterol, and sodium free.  Only 2 ingredients are cashews and dates.  So thats about as natural as you can get as far as "bar" can go.  So anyyyway, 146.2 today, hoping to see the 145s in the next few days if not tomorrow.

Blah so so much for transforming my body over summer.  I've lost a total of what 7 lbs?  I guess its not the end of the world and I am at the lightest I've been in like a year and a half, I just wanted more.

Oh and I've been alternating every other day doing bicep curls and tricep curls then squats and lunges.  If I can't make a difference on the scale, maybe I can at least apppear different.

1 month left until i move back to school and it needs to count. I will be 140 lbs. by the end of August. How I get there doesn't matter, all that matters is that I've been a failure all summer and I am going to stop right now.

Today: fruits and veggies only all day
Tomorrow-Tuesday: lemonade diet for 3 days. Just 3 days can't be so bad.
Wednesday: come off of the diet with the soup and orange juice they recommend
Thursday: fruit and veggies only... reincorporate protein like black beans and Edamame

I want to be 144 when I wake up Sunday.  Tomorrow needs to be a hardcore gym day.  My favorite pair of jeans I have officially decided are too big.... I can pull them off without unbuttoning.  So now I have to wear tighter jeans and fit in them better.  by Sunday when I have to wear them.

Tomorrow:

breakfast: 1 egg, 2 whites (105)

gym - bike for 40+ minutes, stairclimber for 20+

lunch: chicken with squash (200)

snack: apple (70)

dinner: chicken with broc (200)

snack: 1/2 cup of fiber one & milk (105)
fudgesicle (40)
strawberries (80)

total: about 800

How do I manage to get my period every 3 weeks now?  Hm well yes I got my period again last night.  And I was binge drinking / smoking.  And eating chocolate.  Yeah i suck at life any time I am not sitting in the safety of my home.  But its okay.  Today is a new day, I am gonna go to the gym, eat not a whole lot, and get back on the track to skinny.

Yesterday and Friday were good.  Lots of exercise and stuck to the amount of calories.  My scale still hates me, but I am really going to try to not let it get to me.  I'll weigh in tomorrow (after today's 450 calorie day) and then decide what to do from there.

Blaaah I fucked up my down day yesterday.  One of my good friends is back home from summer school... but she like gives me tension headaches.  And anxiety.  Just like IMing me everytime I sign online, texting me and calling me constantly.  Showing up at my house!! I mean yeah she's my best friend and I love her but JESUS leave me alone!  I blame her for my binge yesterday.  And my parents.  Deff not my fault at all.... (being sarcastic). 

So anyway, today becomes a down day.  Strictly 450 calories.  Just took 2 of my diet pills.  I want to burn 1,000 calories at the gym today (poss 2 sessions)... make up for yesterday.  Not to mention that I need to lose like 3 lbs. in the next 6 days.  Why is it that my body only loses weight at my period and then freezes the rest of the month? 

Plan until I weigh-in next Friday:

Today: 450 calories consumed
             1,000 calories burned
Tomorrow: 1,400 calories consumed
             600 calories burned
Sunday: 450 calories consumed
             400 calories burned
Monday: 1,500 calories consumed
             400 calories burned
Tuesday: 450 calories consumed
             200 calories burned
Wednesday: 1,500 calories consumed
             400 calories burned
Thursday: 450 calories consumed
             200 calories burned
I willlllll LOSE.

Ew its kind of yucky outside.  I should go to the gym, but I'm still feeling lazy.  So I'm gonna go for a walk around noon.

Today's weight: 145.8
boo I'm up since yesterday.  This always happens, so I'm gonna try to not freak out about it.  I still have 8 days to get down to 143.

Today is an up day.  I had a filling breakfast... I want to keep today under 1500 and stay away from all the sugary sweet foods I've been eating that waste my calories.  Just gonna have some veggies for lunch and save my calories for the bbq at my friend's house.  And some Fiber One.

Blah die fatness.

The scale said 146.4 this morning!!!!  I didn't drink any water before bed last night after drinking beer, so I added on .4 for dehydration.  So all I really need to do is lose .8 lbs or so over the next two days!  I am so excited to finally be close to reaching one of my goals.  And my True Religions that never fit are about 2-3 lbs. away from fitting!~!~!~!!@332r

149.6 today.  Sucks that I was the same weight 3 weeks ago, but I am down a pound since Sunday.  I will be 146 on Monday, and I won't go back up after that.  Today is a 200 calorie day.

THURSDAY: 200 CALORIES

Breakfast:
2 egg white (33)

Lunch:
1/2 cooked yellow pepper (25)
2 egg whites (33)

Dinner:
Imitation crabmeat (70)
1/2 cooked green pepper (25)

Snacks:
Diet Soda, Tea, broth if necessary (15)

So my LookingTrim ephedra diet pills came in the mail today... I just took my first one! Hopefully it will kick in and give me sudden motivation to go to the gym. In the meantime, I am going to write out a food plan for the next few days.

( food for the next 4 days )


So that is my life the next 4 days.  Then I want to continue to do a sort of variation of the up day, down day diet.... but instead of doing 2,000 on the up days and 400 on the down days, maybe more like 1500-1600 on the up days, and 600-800 on the down days? Something of that nature. 

I'm going on a little trip as I mentioned before, I will be back Wednesday (not posting until then).  But I already planned out my meals and wrote them in my paper diary.  Wish me luck at not overeating or binge drinking!